Saturday, May 2, 2015

Vote Purple!

The People of Purple Persuasion are pleased to publish their Manifesto for the forthcoming General Erection- 

The Economy  We have no views on this whatsoever, other than a firm commitment to re-regulate the banks.  We will raise income by 1) Prat Tax, 20% tax on prattish goods and activities, like finger nail extensions, jet skis, eating sushi, and supporting Chelsea; 2) scrapping Trident, whilst conning nutty states like North Korea and the USA into thinking we haven't; 3) tax bankers and fat cats bonuses at 90% above a £10k threshold; 4) tax all income over £100k / yr at 80%.  

Education  We are committed to restructuring the academic year, to make it start in January, with exams taking place in November, thus freeing up the summer.  There will therefore be a sabbatical term for everyone whilst this necessary adjustment is made. We will also scrap AS Levels and generally dumb down the entire targets, monitoring & reporting system in education, ban the teaching of French in schools, remove Little Dorrit from the English syllabus, halve and cap university fees. We will also bring back the cane and fagging. 

NHS  Remove bureaucracy, including targets, monitoring & reporting systems, HR & managerial systems, then leave it alone. Fund it properly.  

HR & bureaucracy  We believe strongly that people are human beings, not resources.  The HR industry will be vigorously restricted. Bureaucracy will be made a criminal offence.  We appreciate that this will put half the working population out of work, but they can do something useful instead.

Immigration  Bring it on!  We will encourage  massive annual influxes of croceus, and will help boeticus, gorganus, lathonia, plexippus, xanthomeles etc to colonize the UK.  We are committed to doubling the resident UK butterfly fauna by 2020.

Environment  We are committed to scrapping Defra and the Forestry Commission, facilitating access (without dogs) to all woods by revising the CRoW Act, removing all non-native conifers from the UK by 2020, scrapping the biodiversity industry, banning flail-cutting of hedges and verges, massive habitat reinstatement, abolish blood sports, and do a lot of other totally obvious things...

Transport  Reduce speed limits on motorways to 60mph (most of them are currently being dug up and have 50mph limits anyway, so this will actually represent an increase), ban lorries from overtaking on dual carriageways and 2-lane motorways, ban horse boxes and caravans from travelling outside the period 10pm to 5am, scrap HS2, remove irritating settlements like Westbury (A350 in Wiltshire) rather than bypass them.

Monarchy & National Identity  We will restructure the monarchy, such that the Purple Emperor Apatura iris becomes Emperor of the United Kingdom and Britain's National Butterfly. There will be a national holiday throughout the Purple Emperor season.  

Herself will become Prime Minister -

Taken: 8th July 2014

1 comment:

Matthew Oates said...

PS We are also committed to reinstating the old Nature Conservancy Council and Institute of Terrestrial Ecology, including Monks Wood and Furzebrook research centres.